I have been writing in my Pixie Mama blog for about two years now. Today is the first day of September, and there has been a shift. To commemorate this, it's time for me to create a new blog to represent the new person behind the computer screen, and to shift the focus from Ego to Unity.
I tried to redeem my other blog, but it served its purpose. It is so filled with anger, and lust, resentment, romantic misadventures, and struggle. This is the dawning of a new era for me, but it's not just ABOUT me, me, me anymore. I'm in search of like-minded individuals. I want to collaborate and share, to learn and grow. I want this blog to be meaningful and enlightening, not just a place to vent.
Your thoughts create your reality. While it was nice to have the positive facade in life, only to come here and let out what I REALLY felt inside, it's time for me to shape my thoughts and words to reflect the reality I am creating. So here we go.
I assume that when I see the same topic pop up multiple times throughout my day that it is a sign to pay attention. So it has been for the past few months regarding non-attachment. I became curious about this as I started studying Buddhism more last fall, just idly tossing the idea around in my mind and wondering what it meant, what it looked like in practice, and how that would affect various aspects of life.
I think I made an unconscious intention, after this topic grabbed my attention, it also noticed ME. The universe said, oh, hey, you're interested in learning about non-attachment? Great. That's the next course I'll enroll you in, then. We all know that reading about things and even discussing things with more learned individuals can only get you so far -- experience is the best teacher.
First, I began to notice synchronicities. The more I thought about non-attachment, the more quotes I saw in my news feed pertaining to that topic. The more it seemed to come up in conversation. The more articles I'd stumble upon, or read in a magazine or book relating to the topic. I stored all this information away. I thought I began to understand non-attachment, and I thought I was doing it.
Then came the test. I began to date someone. In the back of my mind, I knew that this was the arena to put into practice all of the knowledge I thought that I had gained. I told myself to stay in the moment, and I patted myself on the back for "dating consciously". I thought I didn't have any expectations. That whatever came, I would let it come; whatever stayed, I would let it stay; that whatever left, I would let it leave.
Until his affection "left". I was startled to discover that I really WAS attached -- maybe not to a specific outcome, or even to him as a person, but to the feeling of being adored. And when it was gone, I craved it. While it hurt, I still thanked the universe and realized that it had been a lesson. I analyzed my behavior to see where I went wrong. I disentangled myself a lot faster than I normally would, and I'll carry that lesson into my next relationship where once again, I can try to practice non-attachment.
It's harder than it seems. Throughout the relationship, I was reading the Bhagavad-Gita, Light on the Yoga Sutras, and The Upanishads. Within these texts was the information I needed. I registered it on a subconscious level. I kept reading about how desire would lead to suffering, verses upon verses all saying the same thing in a different way -- you've got to detach. And I heard that still, small voice inside as I read saying, "You might want to take notes. There's going to be a test on this later."
Now I can reflect on that performance and try to tweak my strategy in hopes of more success next time. I'm so excited to be in this arena of life, sharpening my skills, honing my craft, learning and growing. I'm always excited to see what's around the next corner, even though it will undoubtedly bring with it some pain. It's all for the higher good. :)
